Learning to Live

"We should all do what, in the long run, gives us joy, even if it is only picking grapes or sorting laundry." E.B. White

5-9-08 I read this today and it really went along with all the rambling and jumbling thoughts I have been having this week. First I agree with the above statement only if it falls in line with the Bible. Many things bring temporary "joy" or "pleasure" but they are not for me or any other person. That being said the past month or so I have allowed too much into my life. No bad things or ungodly things but they have been just as damaging because I have lost my focus and lost sight of my joy. I plan to try to slow down some this week as soon as I can and try to see where I need to make changes

5-17-08 Well it has been over a week since I started this post and so much has gone on. The past few weeks maybe even month I have felt out of whacks and I had plenty of excuses as to why. I had a list of external things that I just knew if only they would change things would flow better and I would feel better.

For starters our washer is acting up and I have to go out every cycle and make sure the water is turning off, my daughter has had health issues as well as my husband, I have had too many orders and in the last two weeks all three kids had dental, medical and eye exam. Choir is still going on, my youngest had his end of the year violin showcase, Mother's day, homeschool book fair and finally our church mother daughter banquet. Oh yeah I forgot to mention PMS.

All my excuses of why I have felt frazzled made such sense to me, they were so legitimate to me.

The first thing that caught me off guard was that I noticed I was praying about weird stuff at meal times. Long prayers that I normally covered in my morning devotion. I no longer felt calm in the morning and often could not wait for bed. I just kept asking myself what is going on?

Well on Friday the 11th I went to the Homeschool book Fair despite not wanting to. This is an event my daughter and I always enjoy together but this year I had so many other things that I felt I needed to get done and taking a day off to play was not one of them. However I went ahead and went mainly because Sydney REALLY wanted to go and I did want to spend time with her. Well we get there and I look at the classes they were offering. Can you believe it, The Power of a Focused Mother. Wow just what I needed. I was sure somehow the speaker, Renee Ellison, would show me what was going on. Little did I know God wanted me there and would end up showing me what was going wrong.

She opened with Where is your focus, what is your perspective, what is your child's perspective and then what hit me hard, would your child want you for a mom? I was sitting in a room full of people and God grabbed me and showed me it wasn't all the external stuff that mattered, what I was feeling was my fault. I had lost my focus. I was the problem. I sat and listened, cried, prayed and allowed God to use the speaker to show me what was wrong and how to get back on track.

Looking back I have to laugh at my excuses, I listed the items for sale on e-bay, I made all the doctors appointments and knew months ahead a time about all the events coming up. However I wanted to fit it all in and I wanted control. The reason I was praying so much at meals was because I had stopped doing my devotion in the morning. My heart was desperate to connect to God but I refused to make time. I had failed to keep my focus on God, my husband and my family.

I have spent the last week spending time with my kids and husband and reading my Bible. I intentionally refused to blog or list things on e-bay until today. I made my focus this past week on what mattered most. The kids and I worked in the garden, watched some movies, cooked some cupcakes, I took Syd to spend her Birthday money, and most of all I spent time with my Lord.